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Smile

Smile
I realize it when I entered my secondary school. Before that I never know what human feelings are. What is angry? What is happy? What is Sad? For me, angry is for my mother scolding me happy is for our family went to the beach and had a lunch together while me and my sister playing with the sand at the beach. Sad is when I don’t get what I want…when my parents didn’t give me what I want. That’s all I know…. But... when I reach 13, I start to understand some of the human’s feeling. But still I confused about it.


This story, related to our expression, happen when I was in form 4. I’m studying in SMSL labuan, a boarding school. And there, I find that female and male are two different things and must be separate and cannot live together with each other. This is due to the ego of the male and the nonsense act of the female. Don’t know which one is true... but our age that time…full of exciting hormone, hormonal changes, create our own thinking and self declare a sex war. Battle of the sex. Male must win the battle. It’s a funny thing but it happen, and it happens in every teen in the world, I think.

But the main point is, sometimes I feel very annoyed by the girls when they talk so much, laughing loudly, screaming and ‘mengumpat’ but I never show my anger to them. Or…I couldn’t show it. That’s why when I study, and there making a lot of noise, they never think about me…whether I annoyed or not. Because they look at me like I’m not angry at all. And when I start to boiled by them, I stand up and get directly to them and ask them to be quiet………but I’m smiling…like I’m not that serious… I try to stop my smile but it can’t…then the quiet a few minutes then they make noise again, because they think I’m not serious about it.
This led me to ask a few of my friends about myself, I start to investigate what kind of person I am. Then I was pretty shock that almost all of my friends said that they never saw me angry since they met me. Did I really never get angry…no! I always get angry when something I don’t like annoy me. But why they never saw it…


Just because I always smile when I talk… That’s why. From that day, I start to reduce my smile and look more serious (actually I am that kind of person, but when I speak, smile is the first thing that comes out. But when I don’t speak, I won’t smile…because it looks like I’m crazy).
That’s why a lot of people scared to make friends with me, but suddenly they found that I’m not that type of person, and then they will become my friends. Because to see me smile, you must first talk with me….


*Why I’m telling this? This is not a guide article on how to be my friends!!!!


Forget it. I also did not understand about it. And the second main point in this entry is… about forgiveness. My ability to forgive someone…Kekeke...

Okay…okay… Forgive. I like to forgive. Every time someone making a mistake to me I will automatically forgive them. They never need to ask for my forgiveness. I’m not the unforgiven even I like that ‘Unforgiven’ song by Metallica.

So, until now….how many people I already forgive? I can’t count. But how many people that I can’t forgive? 2 people. 19 years I’ve lived in this world, only 2 person I will not forgive…
One is a girl. I already forgive her when he cry and ask for my forgiveness…but after I forgive, she went to do the same thing again. Things that make me sad, things that can kill my heart, my soul, my mind, and my belief ….I hate her. She makes thing that I hate. I couldn’t tell so much about what she had done to me, because it’s something between us. And just to say, I hate it very much.


Two, is a guy. A guy who is related to the girl apologizes. The guy that cause the girl to ask for my forgiveness. The guy that I hate very much. I can forgive the girl once, but I can’t forgive this guy. Because of him, I live my new perspective of life, new world, the world that I hate so much.

To count in every aspect, I hate both of them, because what they have done causing me to lose my grips to this world. They’ve done something that I don’t want to believe. Both are human that already fall into devils hand. They won’t be going so far….

But now…. I start to think and realize that the guy is not guilty. Not his fault. So I’m kinda forgive that guy already. (What the heck!). But the girl? I still considered her as my friends…but…she is the one who did not want to be. So, depends on her, I don’t care anymore.
So after I wrote the above paragraph, as a conclusion, I only didn’t forgive one person in my whole life.


But what happens to me is a hard thing to accept. After those things happen, I couldn’t accept lie anymore. Why..? The next thing I want to say is about lie.
I cannot accept a lie. A true lie (??). After I went through a hard way of my life, I really can forgive someone that lie to me. That’s why I cannot forgive the girl but not the guy. This is because the girl is the one who lie.


So, did anybody lie to me after that…? I really don’t want to go through something like that again.

Okay... what kind of lie that I can’t forgive? I don’t know how to describe it... it’s a lie that finally I know that it’s a lie by myself. Understand?


I can accept if someone lies to me and after a short period, that person comes and tell me the truth. The truth that she or he lie to me. But I can’t accept when you lie and then I found out that it’s a lie by myself. Without you become honest to say that you are lying. This is the kind of lie that I can’t accept. Even if someone said that he or she already plan to tell me the truth, but it’s too late… I cannot forgive it...

Then, as a conclusion to this entry is... its all about my life. .. Kekeke…. I just want to say that I will not become angry that easily, but to forgive (to someone that lie to me)… is very hard to me. Don’t worry to all my friends… it’s hard to me angry. And usually I can’t become angry. But I can’t forgive certain thing. This is because I’ve already promised that I won’t forgive someone that lie to me. So I’m…….


P/s: this entry is dedicated to someone that did not understand me. The one that confused whether I’m angry or not. Dedicated to you two and you too.

Comments

  1. Haha.. those girls, who were not annoyed by them? Semua orang pon sakit jiwa sebenarnya. But most of us tend to keep our feelings and anger to ourselves, not wanting to make any fuss out of it. Silap2 haribulan gaduh besar pulak.

    Forgiveness is somewhat of a complex issue to many us. Beruntunglah siapa2 yang boleh forgive and forget tu.

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