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Dying now and inside.

Somehow, my brain start to forget facts easily. I read and read again all the facts in my lecture note and book but it keeps forgetting them. Haha. I am not that easy to remember like before i guess.

But something is going on with my mind. My brain always bombarded by the things that happen before that keeping me afraid, sad, shame, angry, like all that things just happen in front of me once again.

They said bad memories are hard to forget. But i did not know that bad memories can be recall back like this. So drastic until i can woke up from my sleep just to remember something that i do not want to remember.

Things that happen up to 5 years ago appear back in my mind and i can totally feel what i feel at the time when everything happen. I do not want to care about it but electrical impulse keep traveling to my brain without control. That is why i cannot concentrate much within this few weeks.

haha. Sometime i feel that i am going to be crazy if a bad memory in your life keeps on repeating again and again everyday. Worse when the bad memory is actually bad memories. Ten memories in a time. It feel like you are going to suicide. I need benzadiapine if it continue like this.

But, once i think that why everything come back to me in one time and frequently? Thinking from different aspect and perspective, positively, this thing restricted me from doing something stupid like before. It prevent me to do same mistake twice. But it also preventing me from keep going forward for the thing that i should do. Everything was restricted. It is beneficial in the positive way.

What i am going to do now is to keep controlling this neuronal activity. haha. Keep trying to forget. One always say, bad memory is hard to forget. It really do. But if i keep remembering them, then i am dying now from the inside. So what do i do to keep me thinking of something else..?

Yes, i will do something else, distract myself, and if i have the chances, i will do the things that bring tragedy to me once again, maybe this time, the action that i do will bring different effect, thus erasing the bad data stored in my brain.

OK... haha.

05/10/2007 12.11 am.


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